Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
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[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.