You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
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babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*