Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
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[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes