This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
😅🤣😂
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.