Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
You Might Also Like
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”