*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
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“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Lol
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids