I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
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HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Lmfao
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now