My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.