Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
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KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
This kid is a star!
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.