Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
You Might Also Like
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.