coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
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Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!