God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
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A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
(Musicians.)
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?