“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.