corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house