Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
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gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Meowchelangelo
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.