Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
You Might Also Like
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
#damn
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …