*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
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So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
that de-escalated quickly
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
White Castle for the Win
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.