My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
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[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
#NoRestForTheWicked
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.