Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
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[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?