me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
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My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
our love story in four pictures
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.