“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
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Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
*orders delivery*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”