Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.