God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
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[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
channeling her this year
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.