god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
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I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.