Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
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No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.