Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
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[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Thinking about Jeff
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this