A roof is a house hat.
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If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
All excellent questions
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move