The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
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her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
wait.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.