Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
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What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
calling in to work dehydrated
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping