I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
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detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
😅🤣😂
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
that’s really how it is
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can