My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks