It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
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hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job