Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
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*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Festive toon…
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.