I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Battery falling down a hole
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Hard not to take this personally
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.