me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
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[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.