My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
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Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Check out the legs on this baby
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.