My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom