You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
#parenting
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My guardian angel deserves a raise
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen