I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
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nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
No, YOUR illiterate.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”