MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
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papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”