friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
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[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Meow?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: