“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.