if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying