*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.