Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night