And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too