I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
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[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
This was the best day of my life
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself