[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
You Might Also Like
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
i wish we could shoplift online
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty