When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
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Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Yeah. This was me today.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.