I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
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The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years